My Testimony

Faith

I was born into a family that was not at all religious. My parents were casual Christians and we were holiday church attender's. There was, however, a brief time in my life when we attended church regularly for a couple of years. My dad was disenchanted with what he called hypocrites in the church. During that brief time, I was ‘saved’ and baptized.

I went on with my life. I lived as a ‘typical’ teenager, doing all the things the world said a teenager would do. I didn’t think much about faith, and when I did I usually gave it a passing thought and my friends and I would wonder if all religions were the same. I did not grace the doors of a church for years. I got married when I was 22, and decided I should start living right, thinking all along it was simply a decision I could make at any point, after all I was a Christian all along. I married a beautiful preacher’s daughter, and we began attending church together. I became genuinely interested in the faith, but there was still no conviction or personal relationship with God.

For quite a long time I was a professing Christian. I had prayed the sinner’s prayer and there was no doubt that I was saved and on my way to heaven. I had grown quite a bit in my knowledge of Christianity, but I was a casual Christian to say the least. I attended church regularly, but more out of service than a deep desire to know God. I had no conviction of sin. Sure I tried not to sin. I knew I was supposed to live a decent life, and be a respectable person, but any effort was minimal, and without conviction.

After many years, I began to listen to a man by the name of Michael Pearl. The message and gospel that he presented was different from anything that I had ever heard before. I heard him talk, not only about the grace of God which I had heard so often, but also about the justice of God. I heard the law, and it was merciless. I heard the message of 2Co 13:5

‘Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?’

For the first time I began to examine my faith. I began to look at the state of my life, my thought life, the sins of my youth and I was forced to consider it. I realized that saving faith was more than simple acknowledgement of Christ as the Son of God.

After some time, around the summer of 2007, I came to the realization that I was lost, and dead in my sins. I realized that if I were to die that day, that I would be spending eternity separated from God in hell. I realized that I had never been Born Again, I had never repented toward God and been washed in the Blood of the Lamb. For the first time in my life, I was confronted with my sin. For the first time I realized I deserved to go to hell, and that was exactly where I was going. It was no longer simply agreeing with what the Bible said about me, I knew I was deserving of every bit of the hell I was about to get. I was lost. My sins were like a burden that I was carrying around and it was heavy. I was wondering where I could put it down. I just wanted to get rid of it, but I could not figure out how to do it. I realized that I needed a Savior. My sin had to be paid for.

Now, at this point I had been an actively professing Christian for some time. I knew the Gospel of Jesus Christ and knew that Christ came to save sinners. I knew that he came to take the burden of my sins upon Himself. I could relate to the theology of it all. For what seemed like the first time in my life, I simply could not wrap my mind around how that could apply to me. I knew that I deserved to go to hell. I felt as though the Gospel could not have possibly been for sinners as vile and undeserving as me. It was clear that I was the hypocrite Christ spoke so angrily to in the Gospels. My conscience had convicted me and the law demanded justice for my sins. I thought, you are such a hypocrite, you cannot be saved.

Satan attacked me with his every weapon. I dealt with Calvinism. Satan told me I wasn’t elect and therefore could not be saved. He told me my attempts to seek God were in vain. At times, the devil would tell me to give up, and give in. ‘It’s no use, God doesn’t love you’ he would say. I would drop into a state of deep, abiding depression as if all hope was lost. I just couldn’t go on. Then I would recall the words of Christ when some of the disciples left Him, ‘Will ye also go away? Jn 6:67’ And I would respond in my mind just as the disciples did, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life. Jn 6:68’. So the process would start all over again. I would remind myself of His word, ‘He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him. Heb 11:6’

I studied the Word of God with vigor for the first time in my life. I read every testimony I could get my hands on. I wanted to hear the Gospel as much as I could. I wanted to hear of the transforming power of Christ in the lives of others. I wanted to hear it in such a way that it could become real to me. For months I was in a state of depression. I didn’t want to work, I didn’t want to do anything. No matter what I read, or how I prayed, I could not get the gospel to make sense to me. I repeatedly prayed and begged God to save me, but still the burden remained. How can I lay down this sin? How can I be saved? Lord, help me.

One day I ordered one of Michael Pearl’s books, ‘By divine Design.’ It was supposed to be a philosophically geared presentation of the plan of salvation. I devoured it in 2 days. It made a great deal of sense to me, but I still did not find rest for my weary soul. I was still every bit as lost as ever. I left that book on my night stand next to me for a while, and one night picked it up again. I flipped to the back and re-read the section where he presented the Gospel. I went to bed, still pondering my state and where I was headed. I was fearful, yet hopeful.

On the morning of October 17^th, 2007 I was up early to leave for a business trip. It was about 6:30 AM and I was driving on Interstate 10, headed west toward San Antonio. All at once, the pieces started to fall into place. I realized that the sins I was carrying did deserve punishment. I also realized that the reason God gave me a conscience was to realize that I was dead through the law and convicted. Those verses of Scripture I had read so many times began to make sense to me.

Gal 3:24 Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us unto Christ, that we might be justified by faith.

I realize that was the purpose of the law, to show me my utter helplessness without Christ. The law had certainly done that. I was broken and knew I could not help myself. The law had brought me right where it intended to, the foot of the Cross.

Rom 3:19 Now we know that what things soever the law saith, it saith to them who are under the law: that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God.

I realized I was crushed under my conscience for good reason; God was drawing me to Christ by making me realize and understand my guilt before Him. He wanted me to come to Him for that which I could not attain on my own. It all began to make sense to me that moment. My sins did indeed deserve punishment, and Christ had taken that punishment for me. He took my place. It was as though I heard it for the first time and for the first time it all made sense to me. That morning it was like I lifted the sin off of my back and placed it on Christ, simply believing that He bore the punishment I was due. The burden was gone. It was such a relief. All I could say was thank you, thank you. I knew I was forgiven.

I wish I could say it has been rosy ever since, but it has not. Shortly after that I began to question everything. I saw Christ’s’ answer to Nicodemus when he asked Him how to attain eternal life:

Joh 3:3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

Was I born again? I began to feverishly look inside myself for evidence. The Scriptures say that the Spirit of God testifies with our Spirit that we are His. I expected some radical transformation of my person. I didn’t feel different. I still had all the strengths and weaknesses of character I had before. Had I been born again? I knew that I had the burden of my sins lifted off of me, but was it simply an intellectual exercise that did not result in my being saved? How could I know for sure? I prayed for assurance from God, and at times felt as though I got it. There were brief respites from despair, moments I have felt so close to God that I could just go and be with Him for eternity. Most of the time however, I was unsure. Did I receive the indwelling of the Spirit of God at the moment I believed?

I also struggled with the idea of repentance. How could I be sure that I had repented enough to be saved? Did I feel sorry for my sins? Did I turn away from my sins sufficiently? I struggled with it for some time. I studied the word ‘repent’ in its’ various forms throughout the NT and was relieved to find out that repentance was just another aspect of belief. It as not an emotion, or something I had to work up to present to God for Him to save me. Repentance is simply another aspect of belief.

Heb 6:1 Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto perfection; not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God,

So, I was able to set that aspect aside. But still, the lingering thought of ‘Am I born again? I do know that Satan is constantly trying to get me to look at myself for evidence of my salvation, instead of at God and His finished work through Christ. I am still searching through it, and trying to understand it all. I have read Spurgeon, Bunyan and Newton, men who have had similar struggles. It is helpful to read their writings and see them struggling with the same things that I have struggles with.

I then worked through faith. How could I be sure that I had faith? Do I have enough faith to believe the Gospel? So I would try to work up my faith. I would question myself about certain things, like would I be afraid to die. I was testing myself to find out if I had enough faith. Again, I began to study out the idea of faith and realized that I was not responsible for creating my own faith. Faith is a gift of God.

Eph 2:8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

I realize that faith is a gift that we receive through hearing the Gospel:

Rom 10:17 So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

So that was taken care of as well. Neither repentance nor faith was anything that I do, praise God.

For a while, I struggled with the concept of the changes wrought in me. I looked at myself and saw the same struggles of lust, anger, pettiness, bitterness, laziness etc that I have dealt with my entire life. Where is this remarkable change I hear everyone talk about? Why isn’t everything rosy and sweet? What am I not able to walk through life unaffected by sin, bringing people to faith by the dozens? What about, ‘But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.’ (Rom 8:9).

Once again, Michael Pearl came to my aid. I was listening to his series entitled, ‘Sin no More’ which deals with the immediate sanctification available to every believer by faith. Overall, it was the most thorough teaching I had ever heard on faith in general. About the third time I listened to it, I heard exactly what I had been looking for. He said on the 8^th CD, something like this, ‘It is vain, to look to yourself for evidence of salvation. It is vain to look to yourself for fruit as evidence of salvation or fruit in the life of another. We are not hoping in ourselves, or in the change God does through us, we aren’t even hoping in God in us, we are hoping in something totally outside of ourselves.’

It was the most freeing thing I had ever heard. For the first time in my life I knew with 100% certainty that I was saved. There was not even a shadow of a doubt, I just knew, immediately. For the first time, my eternity was secure, as I saw that my hope was totally and 100% in God. I remember saying to myself, ‘there is a better chance that the sun will not come up tomorrow than there is of me not going to heaven when I die.’ It was the most joyous and freeing time of my life.

Unfortunately, for me, the devil was not through. After a period of about a month or so, I began to see my own shortcomings and doubt whether or not I was born again. I began to struggle with belief. Was my lapse into doubt caused by my lack of belief in the promises of God?

How can I be sure that I have believed unto salvation? How can I be sure that I have laid hold of the promises? How can I be sure that I am not resting on anything I have done or can do and that I believe on Christ and Christ alone? How do faith, hope and belief intertwine? How can I be certain that Christ will not say to me what He said He will say to so many? How do I know that I believe enough? Am I making a god out of my own ability to believe?

What exactly is belief? How much of it am I responsible for? What do the very doubts that I am having have to say about my condition? Are my doubts answer enough for my current state? Am I one who has 'drawn back to perdition?' Did that seed of faith fall on stony ground allowing the devil to come and steal it before it could take root? I then came across a thought from ‘Hopefuls Testimony’ in the Pilgrim’s Progress, and speaking of this very thing he was brought to this verse, ‘And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst. (Joh 6:35)’ Through that I am beginning to see that my coming to Christ for salvation is evidence enough that I believe in Him. In my study of the Scriptures I am seeing how much of my faith, belief, hope, joy, assurance etc, is not in me, but in Christ. It is the objective nature of the faith of Christ on which I rest.

So, I am just a pilgrim, one of millions who the God of the Universe has chosen to reveal Himself to. It is fearful and yet invigorating all at the same time this journey from faith to faith, on the road to eternity. No matter what is in store, I am and will forever be 'Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.' (Heb 12:2)